No sooner do I make peace with and blog about the issue below than I get an email from said friend. The email was basically an explanation of why I haven't heard from her and why we haven't been friends for the past 6 months. There are a lot of truths in the email and some things I know are not complete truths. I was pretty floored when I got it this morning and confused... I mean it is obvious there is some lesson in this relationship that I'm totally missing else it wouldn't keep coming back to life. At first I just wanted to take a broom and scream "Die damn dragon..DIE!" How many times do I have to figure out the best way to respond to this woman?

Then I talked to my friend, B. He, obviously took his smart pills this morning (and I'm damned angry that he didn't share them with me), for his words were wiser than his age and more right on target than I was about the situation. So, basically, his theory: I've become too attached to the outcome of this friendship. I'm treating it more like a male/female relationship than a friendship --- deciding when to "break up," for example. I really see his point and I completely agree that I was too attached to the idea of the friendship that I had created in my head.

I've been thinking over this all morning... Yes, I was too attached to the friendship. Yes, I was hurt over the way our friendship just went away overnight and there was nothing said. Yes, friendships, as everything, ebb and flow with the tide of life. I'm ready to own my own hurt in it and say that my expectations were different and that perhaps I put too much pressure on the friendship to fill something in my life that wasn't there. The bigger person in me has composed an email basically saying that I appreciate her apology and that her life has been stressful over the past months. I explained that I had been hurt and had felt abandoned in our friendship. I explained that I think I took our friendship too seriously and that my issue revolves largely around attachment and that I'm sorry if the pressure of that attachment was put on her. I explained how happy I was when we first became such close friends and that I should have recognized that friendships take two people and to accept whatever she did or did not have to give.

Now I haven't sent this email yet and I do really believe all of what I've written... but I'm struggling with one little thing that I don't quite know how to describe. I realize that I could never simply step out of someone's life for awhile and then come back into it. I would, no matter how stressful my life, always call and say "Hey, I'm really in a down spot right now and I doubt I'll be around much... I'll give you a call when I'm feeling better." I think I owe my intimate friends that much. I realize that that is how I work. What I'm struggling with is being able to accept, in someone else, that they don't work that way. For me, it is common courtesy.

I don't plan on jumping back into a dear friendship with this woman no matter which way the wind blows. But I am trying to take to heart the things my friend, B, said this morning - that friendships grow and change with time, they come in and out of focus, they build up and tear down at different points. To be the grown up, I have to be willing to see that that is reality and anything else is my own drama queen flaring up.

So, imp, if at some point, I just didn't phone, moved, didn't give you my new number, would you deal with that okay? B, would you? What do you say 4 months down the line when you run into said person at the store? On the phone? The rational side of me says "Hey, really great to hear from you. How are things?" and, ya know what, I can do that... what I can't do is pretend to feel that the relationship is one wherein I'd discuss my personal feelings and intimate details. Or, am I hanging my hat one rung too high... does it really matter?

And, why in fucking hell, do I put so much energy into figuring this shit out? Why DO I care so much? Why not just let it go and not worry...respond with "Hey thanks for the email, how's it going?" This is one of those instances where I feel I am just way too fucking analytical for my own good. Maybe I just really need a job to suck the analytical molecules out of my head.

On the other hand, one of my new friends invited us to the beach tomorrow. The Son is so excited to go. I can't believe it's nearly Thanksgiving and we're having beach weather.