Wintertime Blues
I think the winter blues have hit me. Friday night The Husband was supposed to get up with The Daughter in an attempt to give me some sleep. It would have worked had he not been such an idiot and deflected his responsibility by asking me to wake him up if he needed to go get her. I won't even go into why this was such an assinine thing to ask... but Saturday night he did and it was so nice to get one night of sleep. The miracle was that he just slipped into bed with The Daughter and she slept the rest of the night. Thinking we were on to something, we attempted to duplicate the night last night only to have a shrieking and hysterical The Daughter within minutes of The Husband's entrance into her room instead of the expected mama. Needless to say, my sleep deprivation is only reaching greater heights than ever and I'm hurting so from it. I yelled at The Daughter last night...something I'm not proud of. I am so resentful over my lack of sleep.
I did have a sort of revelation over the weekend about my friend that I blogged about below and have blogged about in the past. I mistakenly assumed that my perception of friendship was manifesting. I mean that given the nature of our activities: calling daily, having family vacations together, considering selling our home to move next to their family - these only meant something on my scale of perception. To her, these things and then not speaking for 4 months is normal and natural and that is okay. The thing I had to realize is that it is also okay for me to say "I cannot handle this type of friendship." You see I realized that I would always be wondering when or if the "downtime" would happen and why it was happening, was it something I did or just downtime. I fully own up to my own paranoia in there but it is what it is and I am who I am.
The winter blues are only being confounded by our financial woes of late. The Husband's work is stalling, the reorganization is apparently not over though we thought last week it was and, given all the pointers, he is likely going to be looking for work in the next 6 months. Take his lack of commission and my lack of billable hours over the past 2 or 3 months and we are actually, for the first time since we married, a little scared. While The Husband is confident that he'll find work without issue (perhaps not great work but work), I'm just not so sure. I'm sorta having an internal freakout time because I gave up my career and with it my edge, the skills I have now are so old and out of the zone that I'd have a hard time finding a job in my field. I feel completely dependent and I don't like it. Needless to say, my wine case is gone and I won't be replenishing it this month :(
Comments
I doubt you've lost your edge, Julie. From what I've seen, you have the fundamental understanding and ability. Technical details are so easy to pick up. It does take a crash course in all the latest stuff, which means is buying the right magazines and books, and finding the right articles to read... and then practising what you've learned and you're away.
The only thing that might prevent you would be having the money to buy the latest tools, all the major development environments are incredibly expensive.
Getting a job might be difficult ... don't know about that, it's been so long since I've looked for one. It's more about what is on paper than what you can do. Personally, I've always thought that the best way to get a job doing something would be to write some apps around your resume, so you can physically demonsrate what you can do. I've never tested this idea out though.
Posted by: Lucyna | November 5, 2002 8:52 PM
{{{Hugs}}}
ITA w/ Lucyna, you are so smart!
Posted by: dragon | November 6, 2002 7:32 AM
I don't know what it is about sitting at this
computer screen that makes one want to confess
all their insecurities but I would guess it has
something to do with anonymity. Yeah, right.
Talking to the world at large but it shall remain
anonymous.
Anyway, I have been having a real paranoia about
job interviews. When I was younger, they were
not a problem. In fact, I sort of enjoyed going
out to different companies and meeting new people.
I would ask insightful, probing questions of my
interviewer. He or she would think that I was
pretty sharp. I would get the job. ( Most of
the time )
Well, so what happened? I am older now. I feel
more vulnerable. More insecure. More like,
what the heck am I doing wasting this person's
time when I know they won't hire me?
Even though I am still a smart, insightful,
hard-working, honest person I just don't feel
confident on an interview. I hate them with
a passion. I know that invariably my stomach
will start getting tied up in knots and I will
want to leave the table before it's over.
I can't seem to just relax and enjoy the process
the way that I used to.
So.....the intervier will ask, what about these
gaps in your employment? Oh, yeah. I come up
with some lame excuse about having to be a mom
for the most part and not being able to commit
to fulltime employment.
What have you been living on Mars? I'm sure they
are thinking. Everybody has to work. How come
you are special? Well, my response to that is
that I have been a widow now for seven years,
got remarried, and my daughter just started
college this year.
Alright so it's a lame excuse. But it's the
only one I've got. Guess I need to learn how
to frame it better. Like, yes I have been
working at temp jobs for quite some time.
They are of varying lengths of duration,
some three months, some six months, etc.
Guess I've just got to get over myself.
Any advice would be welcome and appreciated.
Posted by: Karen | March 1, 2005 3:35 PM