Revelations
During yoga on Tuesday night I was in another state of consciousness. It was really great. I had never practiced yoga without being fully in my head and I have to say what a meditative experience it was. I enjoyed the hell out of it. During my practice I had a revelation about something. I truly don't believe that I deserve to nurture myself, get out by myself, etc. I get out frequently. I do yoga five times a week and I go out usually at least once a week with a friend or to some event. I feel so guilty usually and The Husband is so supportive of my social and yoga life that I've never truly understood why I feel like I'm cheating, a bad wife, a bad mom for not being home. The Husband is forever saying to me "You are home with the kids all day. You are up all night with The Daughter. You do deserve two hours of down time in a day." The bottom line is, if I'm home, The Daughter is attached to my person. I don't get down time if I'm in my home regardless of whether The Husband is there parenting or not. I need downtime. I always have and itsn't something that has changed with motherhood or time. So having finally discovered that I feel unworthy, I need to take the steps to change those feelings. I am worthy.
As for the rest of my mental state, I'm feeling better though I'm finding that I'm getting more and more angry over the nighttime. I have yelled at The Daughter in the night now. I'm resentful and bitter that I get no sleep. I don't know what or how to change it but I'm realizing that my pot is about to boil with it. In one of the comments below the question was asked "What would I do differently..."
There are things I would do differently. I would not allow The Daughter to fall asleep at the breast every night. I would encourage The Husband to do more nighttime parenting ESPECIALLY getting The Daughter to sleep. I would also spend more time finding other methods of comfort. When I had The Daughter I was fully committed to 100% on demand nursing for everything and that is what I did. This is where I'm at and I, frankly, hate it. I'm becoming a person that dreams about weaning although in my heart I do not want to.
Last night was my cooking class. This month's theme was Cookies & Bars. I learned so much cool stuff about cooking and had a wonderful evening. A friend of mine from high school came with me which was nice. I run into her ever seven years or so and this was our first "outing" since the last time I ran into her. I am so excited for next month's class on Thanksgiving and December's class on Holiday Entertaining.
Comments
Don't you just love those *inner* beliefs. They take a lot of work to actually find, but boy, when you find out *why* you feel or do something, everything makes sense.
The only way I've found to beat or overcome them is to notice when they influence me (the only way I notice them is when I start to feel a certain way) and then replace the belief with a positive image of myself. I don't do this nearly enough, so it's good to be reminded.
Good for you, Julie, for getting out of your head! It's a way of relinquishing mental control to allow other parts of yourself to start coming alive.
Posted by: Lucyna | November 1, 2002 4:08 AM
Julie, re the yoga and ytour feelings about being away from seren - in my book, there's not a thing you're doing that could be "judged" - you have an attached, caring spouse who is a strong part of his childrens' life and the time you take is beneficial to your ohysical and mental health, not excessive and in no way detrimental to your relationship with your daughter. I agree - you're worthy. Allow yourself to enjoy it
Gen
Posted by: genj | November 2, 2002 7:37 PM