Psychological Intimacy
It seems the theme of my life this week is psychological intimacy. I didn't really have a word for what it was until I read this study linked from Holly's blog, linked from somewhere else. I always find it strange that when I'm dealing with an issue in my mind it seems to pop up all around me. My best friend and I conversed over this, my friend B and I conversed over this, there was a thread at Motherspirit about this, my husband and I have been talking about it...
Psychological intimacy. Is having psychological intimacy with a person other than your spouse cheating? Why? I'm not sure it is but I'm also not sure it isn't. It can sometimes feel like it is because it does feel so intimate. What if you don't have psychological intimacy with your spouse? The Husband and I are intimate, we share just about everything but it seems that tiny piece of intimacy is missing. I think it might be a combination of defenses built upon our respective childhood abuses along with the fact that we are parents of two children under five. I also think it has to do with the path one is on. My path is different than my husbands spiritually. We just get to the end point by different roads but we seem to always meet up. I enjoy talking to people who can finish my sentence, get what I'm saying, feel what I'm saying but, at the same time, I miss that I can't do that at home.
There is a fine line between psychological intimacy and inappropriate intimacy outside of one's marriage. I'm sure of that. I've seen the line. I've tried moving the line both directions. I've tried building a wall on the line, ignoring the line, feeding the line, playing with the line... but the line is always there. I am so hopeful that one day I can destroy the line within the confines of my marriage. What energy do I have to put forth to achieve that?
Comments
You've got me on that one. Though, thinking about it, it must come back to trust on your partner's part. If he trusts you with another to that level, and you feel that you are not betraying anything... Personally, I don't think it's possible to be that intimate with someone other than your partner, if they are male (or female if you are that way inclined), and not threaten your relationship.
Posted by: Lucyna | October 22, 2002 5:32 PM
I don't know. I think that there are varying degrees of psychological intimacy, and I do think it's possible to have it with people other than just your spouse. However, if I had it with someone other than my spouse (regardless of their gender or the status of the relationship otherwise), I think that would reflect negatively on my marriage. Of course, I say that because psychological intimacy is the strongest bond in my marriage - we could never have sex again, in fact not even live in the same house, but we would always be connected by the fact that we have a greater psychological and emotional bond to each other than to anyone else.
So I guess for me, I think I would be desperately unhappy in a marriage where I didn't have that with my spouse. To me that's the really crucial part of marriage because all the other stuff - sex, children, financial stability - CAN fall away at any time, and the psychological intimacy is really all you have left. If that's there, I think you can get through almost anything. And if it's not, I think you always know something's missing.
Posted by: mudra | October 22, 2002 5:49 PM
I thought I would also add, for whatever it's worth, that J and I are not on the same spiritual path either. I sometimes wish we could discuss it more, but that alone isn't what comprises the psychological bond we have. It's something else, something intangible that I can't quite define.
Posted by: mudra | October 22, 2002 5:54 PM
That's it Holly... it isn't that alone which compromises the psychological bond and I do share a lot of psychological intimacy with my husband but not the totality of what I have within me (if that makes sense). Not for lack of trying either, we try very hard, there are just some parts of our inner selves that are different than the other.
Posted by: Julie | October 23, 2002 12:06 AM