Ramblings
I figured I should update my blog since my last entry was less than stellar. No, The Husband never really explained the comment although after not speaking to each other for a record duration we finally sat down and talked. It is so hard to be both mother and wife, father and husband. I think for The Husband & I are roles are so morphed because we are home together all day everyday. We never really stop being mother and become wife and husband together--we never get that opportunity. Yea, we know we need to make it but, frankly, with a child like The Daughter, we never even have 5 minutes to be husband and wife. We realize we need to work on this and simply stay up later or find some other way and that's our comittment to each other. Last night we lit some candles, poured some wine and just talked for nearly 40 minutes. We haven't done that in.... years.
Fair warning... what I'm about to write will win me bad mommy of the century award in nearly 95% of the eyes of those parents who read my blog. I don't care. This blog isn't about parenting, it's about me. Save your debate for your own blog should you feel the need to discuss how horrible I am. This week I left The Daughter for the first time overnight. I work part-time, as most people reading this know, and my contract states that I will be in the office 3 full days a month and work exclusively from home the remainder of the time. Well, I've never lived up to those 3 full days. Before The Daughter was born, I went up to the office (which by the way is 1.5 hours away via plane) once a month on an overnight trip. This was never a big deal since The Son stayed with The Husband and he wasn't nursing. When The Daughter was born, I made a deal that I wouldn't have to travel for the first year of her life but I couldn't get much more out of it than that based solely on her "nursing status" since, well, most people don't give you much leeway after a year. Since February, I've had to go up 3 times and each time we've spent $500 extra just to take The Husband & The Son so that I could nurse The Daughter periodically through the day and, obviously, be with her at night. Basically, the expense of traveling up there canceled out any money I actually made from working during that time. With this trip, well, since she is night-weaned, we just couldn't justify the expense nor did we have it since we just refinanced our house in the same week. We decided that I'd go by myself. I modified the trip so I was leaving late Thursday and came back early on Friday. I have to tell you though I was a mess. An absolute shell of who I am. My stomach was in knots, I felt like I would puke most of the day. The Daughter did fine.. in fact, she did better at night than when I am with her - only waking once and The Husband put her back to sleep. I, on the other hand, with my one evening to sleep "through the night" watched the clock turn from 10 to 11 to 12 to 1 to 2 to 3 to 4 when I finally passed out from sheer exhaustion. Talk about hell. I'm still not sure how my boss feels about the fact that I skipped out of work 5 hours early to get home but I just felt I had to do it likely more from sheer exhaustion than anything else. Much to my amazement, however, The Daughter has slept through the night twice since then and last night she woke only once and put herself back to sleep. So I'm left wondering - was one night all it took? Then again, perhaps I should find some wood to knock on.
Comments
You are a wonderful mother & you are human and you are struggling & that never deserves judgement. remember, this blog is for you to pour yourself out :) And I think it is amazing that you are communicating with your husband
handstands all around girl :)
Posted by: felicia | August 19, 2002 5:44 PM
Thanks Fel... guess what! Wednesday I'm going to a hatha class specifically to learn, finally, to do a handstand. I am so excited at the prospect of getting up in the air. I'll be sure to run down to the beach and take a picture ala Fel Handstand in the Sand when I get there :)
The saving grace of my marriage, when times are rough, is that my husband and I talk about everything very openly and I do mean everything.
Posted by: Julie | August 19, 2002 5:48 PM
i know you can do it :)
handstands across america girl!
Posted by: felicia | August 20, 2002 5:55 AM
In the last year or so, I feel like I've awakened as a wife/lover again. We've increased the playfullness and affection. We are more verbally playful (and now Andrew "gets" some of our jokes! That was a wonderful addition to our life that I didn't realize would happen). DH and I are more passionate now, more frequent. It's nice to add that (back in) to our relationship. The intense early years of parenting are a season of life. I've also noticed that the more I make the effort, the easier it is to make more effort.
About the more of your entry......I left Cameron for 24 hours when he was 2 (of course, I left the others, too - they were 4 and 6). I was turning 35, my sister was visiting. She offered to pay for us to go to Las Vegas (an hour plane trip from here) for a night. I nursed him to sleep, got on a plane, and was back in time to nurse him to sleep again the next night. DH watched him - all 3 did great. I have *no* regrets and my 24 hours as Joanne had lasting positive effects for me.
More recently, I went on a spiritual retreat for a weekend while DH and his mom had a weekend long party with the kids. Again, no regrets and lasting positive effects.
We've talked before about the NEED we have for some space, some time. It's simply not a choice for me. If I don't get that time, that space, I am setting myself up to fail as a mom, wife and person.
Posted by: Joanne in AZ | August 20, 2002 6:42 AM
you're certainly not going to win any bad mommy awards from me! I just spent three nights away from my nurslings (2 years, 10 mos. & 5 & 1/2). I have been just desperate for time ALONE. My deep frustration about my weekend was that I got sucked into a stupid argument and didn't get as much out of the time/space alone as I had hoped.
check out my blog for the full details if you wish ;P
Posted by: zenmama | August 20, 2002 7:51 AM
KWYM about not getting to talk w/your DH.....I think we have the most meaningful conversations when he calls me from work. Pathetic, isn't it?
Posted by: kayla | August 20, 2002 7:58 AM
there is NOTHING wrong with that! not a thing! you are not a horrible mommy -- if anything, you're the complete opposite because it was such an issue for you. a horrible mommy would not have cared, and you've proven how much you do. and that's what matters.
Posted by: erika | August 20, 2002 4:24 PM
Joanne, this wasn't an alone time trip though I could sorely use one of those about now... business calls and I doubt I'm ready to actually do something as selfish (not in a bad way selfish, you know..as in something for myself) as an alone trip quite yet. But, Zen, I'm curious, how did your little one do for a weekend? Did you pump milk? I was sorely engorged (and surprised by that) -- I'd love, maybe in the next 6 months to take an overnight trip to a special retreat I've had my eye on - a silent meditation retreat but I think I'm a far cry from feeling okay with doing anything remotely like that.
Erika, Thanks for stopping by...I love your site... love your web design... I frequently skim them in a quest to learn how to make things pretty. I was going to email you and ask to borrow a concept but then the person never ended up wanting said website and so I never did it and hence never asked :)
Posted by: Julie | August 20, 2002 4:49 PM
Julie, I left Maia overnight with my Mom last summer...so she would have been 2.5yrs, and yup, she was still nursing at night then. Same thing...she slept with my Mom and woke up only once to ask for some water to drink. She spoke to me on the phone the next morning and told me that she wanted to stay till lunchtime. (lol, we planned on getting up early to go pick her up!)
I slept that night with the phone in bed with us, fully expecting to have to drive to my Mom's at 3am or something, but the call never came.
I understand your feelings about thinking that others might think "bad mommy"...I certainly never posted about it at MS last year!
Posted by: Carolyn | August 20, 2002 7:50 PM
Carolyn, you touched on another blog entry I want to write about... I didn't post about this at MS either and I often wonder why I put energy into a group where I really can't be honest about my life (can't as in I, myself, feel I have to hold back).
Posted by: Julie | August 20, 2002 8:47 PM
M handled the separation well although she was definitely happy to see me again. I took an avent isis hand-pump and pumped three-four times a day to maintain my supply. I did notice a slight decrease in my supply by Sunday but M has been nursing frequently enough since I got back to take care of taht. If I were to do it again I would probably do one or two nights rather than three because I really missed her! M co-sleeps with an older sister and I think this really helped her deal with the separation from me. Four children is practically a tribe these days and mine really seem to look out for each other.
I do also believe that there is a qualititative difference between leaving one's children with an involved, supportive *parent* (or grandparent!). I don't believe we were meant to mother in isolation and I am sometimes overwhelmed by the sense of being constantly on duty, especially if I don't have my car for some reason.
Posted by: zenmama | August 21, 2002 5:38 AM
Oh Julie! I agree with everyone (natch!) - you are a wonderful mother, and a night, or nights, away from your children is not going to jeopardize either your child's complete well being, nor your relationship with her.
Posted by: Tanya | August 21, 2002 10:20 AM
Julie, I think you're a great mama! In fact, when I get frustrated with Sagan, I often think of all you go through and it makes me feel so humble. If someone wants to make negative comments on the kind of parent you are because you were away from Seren for one night, they are way off-base.
Posted by: sarah/unicorn | August 21, 2002 4:43 PM