Like Jello Only Firmer
Today was my fourth ashtanga class of the week... My body is jello... but I've truly loved it. I've also now experienced a shower at the new gym and, let me tell you, it is heavenly. Friday night's yoga class was an intro class... didn't know it until after the class started but it turned out that the instructor did the entire primary series which I was very happy about. The pace is a bit slow but getting the full primary laid out was nice. Today's class was most definitely a gym version of ashtanga -- in other words, not ashtanga really at all -- but still strenous and a good learning tool. I have to say that I'm finding if we stick with this gym thing the trick is to get over the ashtanga snobbery and find the lesson in each class because each instructor brings something different to the table. It is so nice to be able to do yoga multiple times a week.
My friend called me up to tell me that he'd approached his wife with regard to his feelings about her not working. We had had a long conversation about it recently -- I asked how he felt about it because my work is dwindling down and the thought of having no income of my own really freaks me out. I also have these feelings that if I were the husband in my family I'd feel somewhat resentful. Anyway, during our conversation he told me that he did feel resentful -- his wife has about $40K in school loans from a private university and is doing nothing with her education having chosen to stay home with their 2 year old daughter. They live with her parents now in an effort to stay alive financially and it is really wearing on my friend -- 34 and living with the wife's parents... I can't even imagine the stress. Well, this brings me back to my feelings... I have always worked and brought home a decent salary. Everything extra we do and have in our life is a result of my work. When I stop working, the extra goes away. I'm okay with that though I expect it will be a large adjustment. What concerns me more is the thought of being fully dependent on another person... dependent and indebted to them. I can't help but feel that way though I know I should not. I'm capable of work and I feel like I should be. I wonder if I'll ever get over feeling that way?
Comments
Boy do I know that feeling. I have 20 grand in student loans and it is a constant source of guilt for me that on one income we just don't have the money to pay it right now. I'm seriously considering doing some childcare so I can help with it - right now my writing is just not that lucrative.
The student loans are really the only thing I feel guilt over, though. I realize that my work here with the kids is just as valuable as what Matt does all day. We've had the opportunity to move in with my parents, but I wouldn't put Matt through that. I would do everything I could to work from home first. It sounded like a good idea at the time, but the more I thought it over - that would be way too much pressure on Matt.
Posted by: sarah/unicorn | August 10, 2002 7:43 PM
think of it as retirement - and entitlement (that's what i do). after 21 or so years of working and providing THE income, i'm quite happily (tho not fiancially) retired. ahhhh...
i'm now in a new career - MOMMY.
Posted by: kathy | August 10, 2002 10:00 PM
I am itching to try astanga!
Posted by: felicia | August 13, 2002 9:20 AM
Julie - I can understand. I think that the financial burden of being the sole income provider is very difficult for a man - not that they don't support the decision, but that it is hard to be the only one bringing home money for the whole family to live on. It is a lot of pressure. After all, if you are the sole income provider, the pressure to stay in a job you have come to hate is very high. The pressure to make more money to improve the life of your family is very high. The pressure of not being able to bring home enough to support your family the way you'd like. I think it can breed resentment between two people who are doing the best they can for their families. The man, earning an income and working hard, the woman working equally as hard, but having no income can come to misunderstand each other. I've seen a lot of men not want to help out with the kids b/c they figure their role is as the provider. A lot of wives get really miffed (rightly so) at this behavior. Also, the role of caregiver to children is COMPLETELY undervalued in our society - and that means it can be undervalued by the husband as well - for the amt. of love/committment/effort it takes to be the primary caregiver.
Posted by: 3Queens | August 13, 2002 12:55 PM
The problem with the "problem" is that there is an underlying assumption being made that work which is not done for wages is "not real work."
That is a backwards mentality, because when children come into the pictures, the "non-working" partner will find herself doing at least twice the labor.
As women and mothers, we have to learn to value the unpaid work of nurturing human life. The economic cost is not the only aspect to weigh when making lifestyle decisions.
As far as being "dependent" on a wage earner, studies have proven that men with wives backing them at home do soooo much better in their careers.
My opinion, and my experience,
Zelda
Posted by: Zelda | August 19, 2002 6:05 PM
I completely agree with you Zelda and so does my DH. In fact, he does more of the household work than I do - he cleans, does the laundry and dishes. The fact that I recognize all of this, however, does not negate the internal feelings or make it easier to get over them.
Posted by: Julie | August 19, 2002 7:32 PM