Giving It Up
Ever had something that you know you need to give up but you really don't want to? Something that gives you great joy and yet is completely wrong for your life? Something that you really selfishly think is amazing but would probably surprise those you love most? I do. I've been pondering it for days now. I know it has to go. I know I can't continue to be so selfish. I know it. Today was a day when I think all the signs of my life were saying "STOP IT. STOP IT. You wanted a sign..here you GOT it." The Husband came home this morning completely banged up... fell off a wave and slammed into the reef... his eye and face are badly beat up and he's sure it is a sign of something... he just doesn't know what. This morning I went to the bookstore and ended up front and center spectator for a grizzly car accident. Lifeflight, massive police, person looking very much like they weren't going to make it lying in the middle of the intersection. On my way home I came within inches of losing my life or being very, very badly hurt. A car in an inner turn lane, I was in the outer turn lane, decided to go straight. Had I been driving even a hair faster or not been looking to my SIDE instead of straight ahead, I'd have surely been hit square in my driver's side door. It was scary. So, I think of all these things that happened before 11am and I wonder... is this that sign I've been searching for. Sure seems dramatic but maybe that's what it takes to pull my head back into this real life and remember why I was questioning in the first place.
In other ponderings, I'm wondering if I can really have a real yoga practice, especially an Ashtanga practice, within the confines of a gym. Mirrors, babe yoga and morphed classes... can it really happen? There is a large part of me that feels my practice is internal and it shouldn't matter *where* I practice so long as my head is within and my breathing is the focus. Then I read some of the posts of the hardcore asthangis and I think "WOW....I'm so not even close..." Hopefully, the next two weeks will give me some idea and I hope to talk to the asthanga teacher and ask her her opinion. These are the things that drive me crazy.
Comments
Wow! How scary!
Posted by: marka | August 4, 2002 8:51 PM
Hope this bit of advice from my star teacher Elena Brower works:
She notes to never look at anyone else as a standard or pillar for your own internal journey -- doing that is missing the concept of "journey". I sometimes get frustrated when I am in class and I see girls effortlessly flying up into handstands when I still struggle in poses and once Elena came over to me and closed my eyes. She whispered, "Fe, she probably was a gymnast or dancer...you can't base your progress by looking at her"...
To your point though, although yoga and your personal journey is important, the "kula" or community is critical too due to the energy...so I do hear you -- if your kula isn't flowing with a right vibe, than that does inhibit your practice....
Btw, do you live in San Fran? I'm moving out there in a year 1/2 and am praying there is an abundance of yoga studios...lmk?
Posted by: felicia | August 5, 2002 9:22 AM
Today's class at the gym was much better than last week when I tried it for the first time. The room was not cold (last week it was air conditioned) and regular temperature. While we didn't do a full primary series, it was a great practice and I do like the teacher. The community appears to be a good one --- lots of people that I know in the class (not that that matters) and also people who want to do ashtanga. I'm giving it the full two weeks before I make a decision.
No, I live in San Diego but my office is in San Francisco and there are *lots* of great yoga studios up there (plus some really rad restaurants). I think you'll really like it up there.
Posted by: Julie | August 5, 2002 10:57 AM
Thanks Julie~ Although I am moving in 1.5 years, am still nervous, but excited!!!
Posted by: felicia | August 5, 2002 10:59 AM