The Key That Is Missing
Last night I was reading a new book I picked up, Yoga & Ayurveda - Self-Healing & Self-Realization, and a passage popped out that hit my soul. The passage doesn't really matter but it led me to discover what it is that I've been missing... pining for - contentment. I'm not content. I'm not content with my marriage - it could be better, it could have better communication, it could have more passion, romance, less ups and downs. I'm not content with myself physically, emotionally or spiritually - I'm always searching for something else, to know myself, to look better, to feel better. I'm not content with my "job" (it is no longer a career to me) - I spent so long getting "here" and then threw it aside for my children (a decision I will never regret) that I'm doing it now only because it is so easy and so flexible for our family. I'm not content with my education - I want more and a different one at that. I seem to be only content with my children... they are perfect, just as they are but I could be a better mother - more playful, more positive, more...... So they key is that I have no contentment and shouldn't that be what I'm looking for... stop trying to find something else and just BE with what I have and what I am. Yes, that's the key to living the Eight Fold Path and that battle that is at the top of the hill for me.
Is part of the lack of contentment my buying into our Western society of more, more, more, buy, buy, buy, stress, stress, stress... maybe if I just stopped and looked above the glasses for a minute I'd find the strain of contentment that eludes me.
In other world news, last night was a horrible night and I'm working off less than a few hours sleep in the last few days... The Daughter seems to have regressed a bit in the night and, for the first time, asked to nurse at night and, yes, I let her. Probably a bad move but we'll see. I wish I had someone here to help me in the night. Do they have night nannies or something... I would only need someone on those days when I'm just ready to cry (as I did last night). Yes, I have a husband... he was soundly asleep in his bed... oh, he heard me crying... but, gosh, he'd be tired in the morning if he actually helped parent in the night /end sarcasm.
Comments
I was reading in the Jivamukti yoga book that if we attach our happiness to physical things, we are bound to be unhappy as those things change. If we attach our feelings inward, to the unchanging, then we find happiness. I completely agree with that philosophy on looking within to seek truth then extending the light out on to others...
Posted by: felicia | July 18, 2002 1:09 PM
How is that book? I looked at that book in the bookstore when I picked up this book the other day. The confusing thing for me is that I'm finding I'm in this process of changing dramatically on the inside too. I am so different, as a wife, mother and woman than the person I was last year or the year before (and yoga certainly contributes to those changes). They are definitely positive changes though.
Posted by: Julie | July 18, 2002 1:12 PM
I read a few parts of it (from standing around at the actual Jivamukti salon) and it is OK...not sure I would make the grand investment though. :) I'm picky about the books I purchase. I can definitively agree that yoga has changed my life as well!!!
Posted by: felicia | July 18, 2002 1:41 PM
Julie, that's one of the things I am really tuning into lately. The discontent with what I have. I read a cartoon yesterday (we find enlightment in the strangest places) where one character said, "I have everything... and I want <b>more</b>!" And I understand that. My moments of pure bliss are very rarely related to things: watching my children at play, watching my husband golf, standing on stage delivering a line, hanging out with friends and being "on", lying in bed with a book. I have more stuff now than I ever have, and it doesn't seem enough. But when I allow myself to detach from "things" and look inward, I find more that I wish to bring out.
The trick is how.
Posted by: Tanya | July 18, 2002 3:24 PM
Yes, Tanya, that's it.. my moments are bliss are always related to things like my children, seeing my husband in some certain way... like for the past two days I've been having an engaging conversation via email with a friend, intellectually stimulating and I feel "on" and that brings me contentment...but I tend to overanalyze my station in life and come up with all these things that could be better or different or just some how changed... that shoots down all contentment. So the question becomes how do you balance your desire to better yourself with being content with the here and now.
Posted by: Julie | July 18, 2002 3:33 PM
Perhaps it's recognising the point we are at in our own evolution. As long as we are not resisting change and growth, we are still <i>becoming</i>. Perhaps it's finding joy in the moment while still anticipating the future. Acknowledging the past as we would the road we've travelled, while not allowing ourselves to be tied to that past. We can accept the moment and celebrate it, because our choices have brought us here, but know that we are still travelling, and have miles to go. And as we do, more moments of perfection and pure bliss will follow.
Maybe?
Posted by: Tanya | July 18, 2002 4:27 PM
Tanya, sounds like gospel compared to my flailings of late...
Posted by: Julie | July 18, 2002 4:29 PM
Nah. You just inspire me to think beyond one-liners. Most of the time.
Posted by: Tanya | July 18, 2002 4:46 PM
I think I find contentment relatively easily with comparisons. I reflect on what could be (a negative) and am thankful for what is. I look back on *what was* and see the road which has brought me to *what is*.
While I'm not content to sit back and stagnate, I don't get mired in discontent with what *should be* because I do not know what should be - I do not know my destiny - only the path I am currently travelling. I am more than content with my fortune - I am thankful.
Posted by: kathy | July 18, 2002 10:27 PM
{{{{{Julie}}}}} I've done the crying-in-the-middle-of-the-night thing sometimes, too. Thankfully C seems to be sleeping better lately.
{knock on wood}
Posted by: Debra | July 19, 2002 11:24 AM