Julie,

I (finally) let my kids use play guns, but I respect those who don't. Does Gavin use other weapons? I think "weapon" play is an important tool in working out the issues you see him processing. I base that on no real research, just have my kids, observation and intuition.

The weapon play in my house typically involves props for getting "bad guys", monsters, interesting creatures of the imagination.

For my 3.5 yo, weapons are clearly how he works through having *power* and not having power.

It's an interesting and complex topic.

Julie, we have never had guns of any kind around here - with the possible exception of some very short-lived water pistols. I am also fairly rigid about violent television involving guns (much more so than I am about sex, in fact) and I can tell you that it doesn't seem to have made an iota of difference to my boys and their ability to understand conflict and sort out the good guy/bad guy issue. Lack of toy guns has never been a problem and I'd be *most* surprised if they asked for one now, at 10 and 7 - they'll walk straight past them in a toy store and have never mentioned a desire to have one.

I am, however, less censorious about the content of the books we read, so long as the quality of the writing is high. So we've read things like "Treasure Island" where there's quite a lot of violence a number of times. The boys are also really fascinated with military history and have done a lot of their own reading about various wars throughout history (Henry made a beautiful book about Bonny Prince Charlie and the Jacobite uprising) The major difference here is that these conflicts are put in a context, rather than the violebnce occurring for its own sake. When I'm reading or when they're particularly interested in a battle, we'll discuss both sides of the issue and talk about what might have motivated people to fight.

In your situation, for example, you might like to talk to Gavin about the War of Independence or the Civil War and the values people held dear in those conflicts, but the great pain and suffering that arose out of the fighting. We had a terrific discussion recently about how the Civil War was not just about slavery and wasn't necessarily seen in those terms at the time - we talked about industrialisation vs agricultural economies, states rights vs federalised government. We'd have the same discussion about why the German people followed Hitler, or what's really behind the "war" on terror. That's translated into "war" games where there isn't a good guy or a bad guy, but two sides. I don't fuss about sticks or lego used as guns in this context - next day, they're goalposts or boats, while a gun is always and only ever a weapon for hurting people.

I realise that Gavin's a little young for going into some of this stuff in depth, but I see it as a really powerful way of learning about conflict and the complexity of human behaviour in an organic way, rather than addressing the topic as a one-off.

I do think that gunplay is a common and probably normal thing for small children, but I don't think we have to facilitate and entrench it by providing very realistic replicas.

We don't allow guns here at all. Logan has been extremely sheltered from guns - he saw his cousins in TX playing with toy guns once and he was really baffled by what they were. So he asked us, and we just told him that they were things some people used in fighting and that real guns can make people die. We left it pretty much at that, but for a 4.5 year old, he has an eerily adult understanding of the permanence of death and he decided on his own that guns are bad. We are really careful about what he watches on TV - he isn't allowed to watch anything overly violent (like Gen, I'm more concerned with exposure to violence than sex).

However, he does watch programs that have good guy/bad guy themes. I think children around Gavin and Logan's ages begin to understand the concept of good and evil, and role playing as well as books can be a good way of helping them explore these issues. I think when they're younger, it's important to avoid the good/bad thing so that they don't label themselves or feel labeled - but I also think there comes a stage in moral development where they want to learn what is morally acceptable and what is not. I personally wouldn't allow toy guns in my house, since I take a diehard anti-gun stance in general. But I definitely think there are appropriate ways to let them explore these issues (books are especially good, I think, as they don't have the visuals as they would with a tv program).

FWIW, I've heard that Lilo & Stitch is pretty scary to a lot of younger, sensitive kids - it's a fairly dark movie and not suitable for all preschool-aged kids.

Yea, I've definitely decided against a movie... does anyone have any good book recommendations?

Classic, old fashioned fairy tales are great for processing good/bad dynamic.

I think I remember reading some Waldorf sites that listed offering fairy tales as a pedagogal (?) resource.

I agree with Joanne - I was going to suggest Grimms Fairy Tales. My boys didn't really get into the good guy/bad guy thing until 5 or 6, but that's just them.

I'll look through my other books to see what else was gg/bg.

I am arguing at the moment with my kindergarten in Germany because they allow kids to bring toy guns to school. I only found this out yesterday when one little boy came and shot me in the stomach. They told me that they work with the kids to ensure that they shoot "in the air" and so forth but I find this highly unrealistic seeing as the number of kindergarten teachers is rather low and no way can they watch every move kids make. I am still trying to gather an argument together to present to our parent-board at the kindergarten. It's not even that I have a thing against weapons in general. Personally I do let my son play with a wooden sword at home because he loves knights. But I would not let him take one to kindergarten because I would be afraid he would hurt someone and I respect that other parents do not allow kids to play with weapons. I guess the bottom line is that a kindergarten should be a place to foster positive values like imagination and curiousity and not to provide tools for kids to mimic the violence that they will have to deal with soon enough in our world.
Anyway. was happy to find your chat!
cheers,
mishe