I feel really introspective of a suddent and, yet, I can't quite pinpoint what I'm feeling introspective about. I'm angry with The Husband, well, I guess that isn't true. I'm simply angry right now. I feel like The Husband is not there to support me as a parent. If I'm in the house then I'm in charge. If I'm in the house then The Husband is free to go do whatever...paint the walls, wash the car, pee by himself, etc. but I am never afforded the same opportunity of freedom. I'm feeling resentful that I can never have downtime in my own home. I realize this is my attachment to the freedom I think I want and that if I'd just stop I'd realize I have lots of freedom but, just for today, I'm choosing to wallow in my anger. Well, just for this morning since The Husband's whole family is coming over for a family get-together this afternoon and I have to start my beans, rice and avocado salsa shortly.

Do you ever wish you were one of those people that just got off on exercise? I've always wished to be one of those people. I swam competitively, at high levels of competition nationally, for 12 years. I can't even remember the emotion or feeling of those competitions but I can remember that ever since I was like 20 I wanted to feel like working out. Yea, I want the benefits of working out ... a svelte body that looks good but, to a large degree, I want the health benefits of it more. I want to be young for my kids. I want to be active with my kids and, yet, as much as I think about it... I never quite do it. I go for a 5 mile bike ride every other week and, yea, I do yoga 2x a week but that isn't consistent and regular exercise and that certainly isn't going to eat the cellulite off my thighs and ass. Which leads me to pondering.... I remember being in high school... probably 9th grade. I was at the pool (where we spent every summer since I grew up in the desert) and having a boy tell me that I was getting "my sister's thighs." I was devastated. I still remember that day and I still beat myself up about it. All these years I've struggled with my body image and I'm still looking for that key of acceptance. Where is it that I can't find it. What do I need to let go of? A lot of the time I think that somewhere, somehow this must relate back to my childhood and that the abuse of me as a child has led me to have some deep internal thought that I am simply an object. On the upper levels of my mind I know this is not true and, yet, something inside says this is the barrier to break.