I'm commenting here because this moveable type comment thing hates me. regarding ethically raised and slaughtered meat - have you considered raising your own? Rabbits is what I'm thinking. Wes and I have discussed this a lot and it seems the most ethical solution as long as we live in an urban setting.

I just could never eat a bunny. LOL! Chicken and fish I seem to be OK with, but a cute widdle wabbit? Peter Cottontail? I just can't bear the thought!

I know what you mean about being a mother. I love being a mother, but it's not enough. I need something that defines me outside of my children and my husband. I do know some women in real life who are so happy to be mothers, and want nothing else until their children are grown. And I have mixed thoughts about that. On one hand, I feel almost completely claustrophobic talking to them. I want to shake them and say, "Yes, but who were you BEFORE you had children? Where is that woman NOW?" But on the other hand, I almost admire and envy their peace with it. It's sort of like true devotion to a belief that I don't understand and never will. I almost envy the peace that comes with complete surrender to a faith or ideal.

I'm one of those women, Tanya and Julie - and I'll tell you, shake me and ask me and it is so clear - I was WANDERING. Trying this, trying that - school, one career after another (always making bookoo bucks) - I never found fulfillment til I fell pregnant. Ironic too cause I struggle so hard to be a "good" mother. I'm sure that after the kids are gone, I'll pick up something I've always wanted to do but couldn't cause of the kids (art? drawing, writing, I dunno) and I'll be happy with that. I'm really loving gardening though and have always felt a social pull, so maybe I'll start an urban organic garden for ex-cons to work in and sell the organic goods to local restaurants (being done in SF now).

Oh, and that dangerous person is probably dead. Met him in Paraguay in 1988 (or 89?) and filled ourlives with constant sex til he illegally sold his motorbike and fled to his home country. (bad enough that I don't remember his name - I don't rmeember where he came from. Yugoslavia? Bulgaria? Belgium? dunno.)

I don't honestly think we're *supposed to* be "just mothers". The number of women I know who say that their lives are completely fulfilled by motherhood alone, I could count on one hand. In addition, I think a lot of women feel that they're supposed to be fulfilled by motherhood alone, so they may be misrepresenting their true feelings. I'm not saying that mothering doesn't have its rewards - it certainly does - or that it's not a significant part of one's life. But I definitely think that we're supposed to have other facets to our lives as well. I was raised by a mom who claimed that her devotion to my father and sister and I was what gave her fulfillment and she never really had any hobbies or outside interests. It was like she was trying to be this perfect martyr mom - and I HATED it!! I clearly remember that through most of my childhood (especially once I reached my teens) I thought it was just incredibly sad that she didn't have anything in her life that was just for herself. I didn't like it that I felt like the center of her world...it put too much pressure on me to feel like I had to be perfect, because I was "everything" to her KWIM? So I don't think you should be wondering about those other mothers who appear to be solely fulfilled by motherhood, when the truth is instead that you're frustrated by trying to integrate your personal goals with being a good mother. Integrating multiple goals and facets into your life is not easy, but IMO seeking that balance is a better goal than wondering why you're not fulfilled by motherhood alone.

Kerr, I couldn't raise a fish let alone a bunny :)

About motherhood. I'm not comparing myself to those mothers who find complete fulfillment in motherhood at all. I'm wondering what they find in it that ticks for them, if that makes sense. I'm wondering that because I'm wondering if it the same sense that I get when I think of what I want to do ultimately. I am, in practicing my spirituality, trying to accept what is <b>right now</b> instead of living in the future. Right now, I can't be more than a mother (yes, I work but not at what I want to do) so I am looking at what I am missing and how I can take what I have and fill the holes. I am most certainly not cut out to be "just a mother"... I just don't know when I'll have the opportunity to do more.

I sometimes wonder about the moms who are completely fulfilled being a mom too. I don't think there is anything wrong with it. (I sometimes wish I could be.) But I wonder how long it will last. Our feelings and our dreams for our lives can change so quickly. The first 3 or so years I was a mother were completely fulfilling to me. I couldn't imagine doing anything else (or anything more) and I didn't want to. Then it was like I turned a corner and I have been struggling ever since because I am so completely NOT fulfilled by being at home with my kids. I really need something more. I find myself singing from Beauty & the Beast (lol):

I want adventure in the great wide somewhere
I want it more than I can tell
And for once it might be grand
To have someone understand
I want so much more than they've got planned

I am hoping to start back to school (part time) in the fall. Hopefully that will hold me over for now.