Yoga was so hard last night. It was a really good lesson in how yoga is so not about your physical shape... it is about your mental shape. I struggled through my practice last night. I couldn't find my concentration or my breath. I was so distracted by this issue with The Daughter.

This issue...what is the lesson here? This is the same exact place we were in during my pregnancy with her. An issue, one that is most likely nothing but could be something. An issue that to determine if it is something means another step of medical testing that is detrimental to her health in some way. An issue that tugs at you because of the unknown in it. During my pregnancy I really believe that the lesson was trust. I thought I came through that with the lesson firmly intact but here I am faced with this situation again and it doesn't feel like trust is the key here. Just what is this message and why am I unable to see it?

I did realize something today though. We've been leaning towards waiting it out. The thought of giving The Daughter something to sedate her freaks me out to my inner core. Then this evening on our way home from grocery shopping The Daughter just freaked out in the car. By the time we got home she was uncontrollably sobbing. I've never seen her so upset. You know what the thought was in my mind the entire time? "If there's something wrong with her heart, isn't this putting undue stress on it?"

I wonder if I don't get it looked at if I'll torture myself with what-ifs and fear for her safety? I think I'm going to talk to the pediatric cardiologist to find out what exactly the risks are were she to have something structurally wrong and go from there.

I'm also struggling with my sense of self right now. I really want to master something new. I can't find a decent program here in our city that I want to do. The local schools don't have any alternative/natural degree programs. I would love to go to Bastyr but the bottom line is, that isn't going to happen... I won't be living in Seattle. There is a local school that has a certification program for Nutritional Counseling but it is not an accredited program and, therefore, would most likely be considered a "diploma/certificate mill." If I'm going to spend the money, I want to spend it with something that has a return on the other side. I'm beginning to think that the lesson in this issue for me is to accept my life the way that it is... and the way that it won't be.