BTW, I wanted to mention that I think part of my giving nature has to do with how hard we work to be where we are... none of this was handed to us and I feel that so many others work just as hard as we do and yet we were, by luck of the draw, in the right field/place at the right time... I just want to give back some of that luck.

Hi Julie!

You said "I have searched to figure out why I enjoy giving. What am I getting out it? Am I doing it for selfish reasons? I can't find any. It's something I truly enjoy - to make people feel happy, give them a treat, share something special. Is there a way to do this and not make people feel uncomfortable?"

Yes there is. It has to be equal. One time you pay, another time the other pays. If you always pay then it's unequal. Doesn't matter if you have more, the exchange between parties is unequal, therefore the other feels like they owe you. When you feel like you owe someone, it's almost like being owned. Or not on the same level, like Master/Servant. Do you ever allow people to give back, to pay for you? How does it make you feel when this situation arises?

I think the clue to follow in all of this is where you say "I have a lot of friends who are struggling. It hurts me to see their struggles and I, truthfully, feel a lot of guilt." There it is ... follow the GUILT. {said in spooky, tongue in cheek voice :)}

IKWYM. Actually, giving makes me feel a little uncomfortable, as does receiving. I like to do the anonymous gift in the anonymous mail :-)

I honestly have no problems receiving. I love gifts and I love surprises. The problem in this situation, however, is that these people I'm talking about, for the most part, will not be able to pay sometimes. For them, it is a matter of making ends meet and that is what saddens me. That I can never give because they can never give. I wish it didn't create an "owe" situation because I never view it that way.

I should clarify the "guilt"... I don't feel guilt about them... I feel guilt that in this world there is such inequality. For example, one of my struggling friends, her DH is a teacher. I feel horribly guilty that as a programmer working part-time I make more money than he does teaching our children. It shouldn't be this way. So my guilt isn't "I feel guilty that I have this and you don't." My guilt is "I feel guilty that this world is so screwed up and I'm benefitting from it."

(nak)

Perhaps they feel that you are presuming that since they have less money than you do, they have less joy/happiness/something than you do. (I.e. "Let me fill this void in your life for you.")

Perhaps they don't feel "poor" or that they have "less" until you make an issue of the "more" that you have.

I agree with Freyja--I believe in "don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing" when it comes to giving.

Honestly I used to be in a position of being more financially comfortable than my friends (though we were still not earning that much by most standards), and I used to get great joy out of being generous as well. One of these friends finally told me that it did feel like I was taking pity on her, even though she knew I meant well. To her, even if I meant to do something nice, my help made her feel that we were not really equals in the friendship.

I'm obviously not in a position financially now where I can afford to do much giving, but I've decided that in the future, I will donate anonymously. At least for me, when I really examined it, I found that at some part of me enjoyed being viewed as generous - like it was my brownie points. ("Oh Holly is so just kind and generous, she helped me so much" - that becomes a bit of an ego boost, KWIM?) I have done some anonymous giving and it definitely feels different.

This is so sweet. Don't let those peope make you feel guilty because you give. Yoga is wonderful.

Anyway, I have tons of macros and things I want to do so when you have the time let me know. You set the pace. I think it is best if we focus on completing one macro at a time too.

TTFN

I guess I should clarify that none of my friends currently has mentioned this to me and I honestly haven't done much giving in this respect because of what my other friend had told me... I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. I'm not talking about constant gifts or anything but, for example, when I knew one friend couldn't afford to take her child to p/t program, I offered to help pay and I did. I took another friend out to lunch when she was really stressed and I wanted to give her a breather... things like that.

Ahhh, so you're not handing out money left, right and centre! Well, that helps my mental picture.

I KWYM about wanting to help people when you can. There's really nothing wrong with that as such. Quite often, when you are friends with someone there will be ample opportunity for someone to repay kindness. Maybe not always with money, but with something.

I still think the guilt is something to look into. It's probably more personal that what you've said here. I'm saying that because of a number of other things you've said about money in the last several years.

aaaahhhh, got to leave the room ... Neo keeps coming in, climbing onto my chair and attacking the keyboard...

Thank you for your birth story and the pictures. You were so brave and strong. And your daughter was such a gorgeous baby. I read it twice and it made my day.

Well, I LOVE receiving! LOL! But as Lucyna said, if one person is doing all the giving, it does create an unequal dynamic, where one person may feel beholden to the other. This doesn't mean that you should stop buying things for other people. It makes you feel good, and although you recognise that there is a reason you feel you need to do it, you can examine it without feeling the need to stop. What I would suggest is that you find ways with your friends to receive in kind. Perhaps they can take Seren and Gavin to the park for an hour so you can sleep. Perhaps if they have some sort of at home business, you can have them reciprocate through that. If they can't afford to take you out to dinner as repayment, perhaps they can have you and your family over for dinner. If someone sews, perhaps you could commission them to make something for you. You don't need to match dollar for dollar when paying someone back for a kindness.

This is a tough one ... Personally, I really enjoy sharing of our many blessings ... that could mean anything from paying for a meal when out with friends, or sewing something special for a someone "just because", or delivering a freshly baked loaf of bread to someone who I know will enjoy it.

Personally, I would much rather give to those I know and care about than to a nameless organization. If I have something that I no longer need, I'd rather pass it on to someone I know might use and enjoy it than take it to GoodWill, ya know?

I guess balance might be the key here ... not going over the top ... and personally, I'd be more comfortable being on the receiving end if the gifts weren't always directly "monetary" ... if the giver was as generous with their time and energy as they are with their $$. (I'm totally not trying to imply that you're not Julie, just thinking out loud here :)