Another Night...
of endless wakings. I don't even know how I'm making it through life today. I do know that I have to go to yoga tonight regardless of how exhausted I am. I skipped my bike ride already and I really need to push myself to continue feeding my soul since my brain is getting no nourishment.
My yoga instructor emailed me this morning and thanked me for telling so many people about her practice. Tuesday during my private evaluation we discussed some of my body issues with regard to my childhood. Jyl recommended some yoga therapy to help resolve some of these issues and really thought that some of my hold-ups might be all related. In my thank you email, she offered me a free yoga therapy class and I'm really excited. I think it will really help.
Last night I was reading When The Buddha Married and I found two passages in it that are real epiphanies for me:
"Repressed anger is when we so thoroughly disown our anger that we're convinced we don't have any. ... Here are some ways to tap into your disowned anger:
...
4. You frequently judge others and are quick to notice their short-comings. You bond with friends by criticizing others. You subtly set people against each other by revealing confidences or making indirect remarks."
So I wonder if my judgment issue has something to do with repressed anger over some issue? Something to ponder during meditation.
But, the bigger revelation was this one:
"Rage is often a cover-up for shame. Someone has touched a part of us that we've called bad or defective, and to avoid the pain of feeling our shame, we focus outward, often blaming and putting down others.
Some people use rage like an addiction. Just as binge drinkers build up their frustrations during the week and get drunk on Friday night to let off steam, people who constantly rage often do the same. They are disconnected from their feelings, disregard their needs, and fail to ask for what they need or want. Over time, pressure builds, and eventually they aim and fire their fury at whoever happens to be nearby. It's essentially a childlike temper tantrum."
This passage meant so much to me... something in it really resonates with me... I just need to figure out what that is.
Comments
Hmmmmmmmm
Posted by: Freyja | April 12, 2002 6:39 AM
My thoughts are with you and I wish I could bring you some peace. You need to get some help for yourself. Something is not right here. I'm not sure in what form. I am going to put you in my prayers.
My old neighbor had a similiar problem. Her baby would wake up all through the night. They finally got her to sleep by giving her a thicker/heaver formula at night that had lots of calories or something. The baby finally started sleeping through the night.
This too shall pass...
(don't worry folks, i'm not a bible beater)
Posted by: Kyle | April 12, 2002 11:39 PM
Wow, those are great passages, Julie. The first one really resonates with me as well. I know I have things that I react to with much more judgment and anger than the situation calls for. Not that *any* situation *calls* for judgment, but you know what I mean. Other people aren't as effected by it as I am. I hope you made it to your yoga class! Doing yoga almost always improves my mood.
Posted by: Heather | April 13, 2002 10:07 AM
Kyle... you are too funny. I meant to tell you how funny it was last time I went into "that office" ... Seren had to nurse and, you know me, I just nursed her right there in front of the whole lot of them (oh maybe that's why D wouldn't look me in the eye?).
Posted by: Julie | April 13, 2002 11:05 AM
Wow. I'll be reading those again. They really struck a chord in me as well.
Julie, I admire so much your willingness to "go in", to explore, to grow, to question and observe. You inspire me.
Posted by: Tanya | April 13, 2002 1:53 PM