Early morning to fly up to Seattle. Since I rent a car it's always interesting what I'm gonna end up with. Last time I drove from the airport to my place in a totally tricked out Mustang. The engine was so loud, I was actally embarassed and so, halfway over the 520, I called the Bellevue location and exchanged it for a turquois blue Ford something. This time I got this wierd squarish Nissan.

I did exactly what I promised myself I would do. I turned on the heater and I did a practice. I turned on the Krishna Das song I'm into right now and I practiced. I didn't cheat and I didn't get lazy. It was very nice.

I can now sit in bed and see Lake Union. All the leaves are gone from the trees... there's still a smattering on the ground but the trees are bare now and the lights from the other side of the lake are fully visible. It is so very pretty here. In some ways feeling the change of the season and watching it so closely has been an eye opening experience to the beauty of mother nature... I've always celebrated it but realize I've never really experienced it. At the same time, I realize why this beauty is as mysterious as it is to me.. because I don't want to understand anymore than this. Thanks for much. I like the majority of my days to be those where one is wearing flip flops and tank tops... and it's COLD out there.

I'm getting my wind and I'm feeling good and strong. I can do all of this.

Posted 11:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I spent most of today "practicing" for my presentation on Tuesday. I'm really nervous and I don't know the material all the way through. TWBD nailed when he told me that the reason is likely that it doesn't sound like me. It's not my normal conversational presentation. I'll figure out the right blend... but it's probably gonna take another day.

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. It started with a conversation that sorta made me uncomfortable but I could have chosen to not say anything or I could have chosen to be honest and explain my feelings. I chose the latter because I'm not really so good with the former but I still question the appropriateness of the conversation at all. I also probably had a stupid conversation that was totally not good for me, but I did it anyway... and I sorta liked it. Fortunately, the day evened out with The Best Friend and Beautiful Yoga Girl going downtown for a few beers and some raw tuna :)

The Son had Cotillion today and I got to take him to it. He is so handsome in his suit... and I peeked through the doors as he did the "receiving line" (in which the boys must shake hands with individuals who volunteer for the program, look them in the eye and introduce themselves), as he held his elbow out for a girl to hold on to as he escorted her on to the dance floor. Once he was lost in the crowd, we could no longer see so we left. Parents do not stay and if they do, they must be dressed equally as formal. I never really anticipated that The Son would really like this program but he appears to love it. Tonight he demonstrated the table manners he learned by pulling out my chair for dinner, explaining the placement of the fork and the knife and that one should never put one's knife in the mouth... and finally that to signal that you are done with your meal, you should cross your fork over your knife on the plate. He told us that he got to dance with one girl who was nice and talkative and was into dancing and another who really didn't want to be there. He also mentioned that some girls giggled and told him some other girl wanted to dance with him. He's completely oblivious to this and could care less (for now). Given the recent situaton with him academically, I'm really happy to see him put effort into this and embracing it. It's heartwarming.

It is 80 degrees here. An amazing full of sun and life day. I'm feeling stronger because I feel I'm making movement, progress to getting things under control. I leave at 8am for Seattle... where's it freezing cold and raining. I've decided I would love to see the snow while I have the apartment there... which may not be for longer. I'm super sad to give it up if the landlord will work with me... but recognize that this is what I must do to pull the universe back to order for myself and my family. It's a beautiful place that I enjoy being in a lot so I plan to really enjoy it while I have it.

To honor that, I am going to do all of first series tomorrow in the apartment. My plan is to fly in, practice, go to the store and get some supplies and then bunker down all night and practice making this presentation more in my own style and finding a demo to do with it.

A week in the freezing cold... bah humbug. But, in positive universal thinking, I do believe I'm going to be able to facilitate making Jason's Thursday and Friday Mysore classes at 8Limbs... and even the 8am Saturday session... If you're in Seattle, I hope to see you there... and maybe I can finally get in a regular practice this week.

Posted 12:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Mere Gurudev, charanon par sumana shraddha ke arpita hai
Tere hee dena hai jo hai. Wahi tujha ko samarapita hai

Tuma hee ho bhaava men mere, vicharon mein, pukaron mein.
Banaale yantra ab mujhko mere saravatra samarapita hai

I was thinking today how much I've enjoyed blogging again. I was reading through some archives the other day and I realized how many things and how many ways I have manifested myself and succeeded. When I think about why I haven't blogged it is mostly because for the past year and a half or so the situation has been so way out of control that I didn't feel like writing about it. The thing is, it isn't any one situation.. it's the whole thing really and what I realized about blogging is that writing isn't about the "thing" "the situation" "the problem" or any of the material artifacts associated with what is going on on the inside. There's where the journey is.

I got a good look at the inside today. Believe me, just getting to the studio I went through all the usual not-yet-at-discipline arguments in my head from I'm tired to It's cold to I'm not ready to feel this. But, in the end, I went and I did what I said I was gonna do and, you know what, it felt amazing. I'm glad I did. I cried. Literally. I cried through the first part of standing. I cried quietly and I hope discretely. I'm not really wanting to be seen right now... I'm struggling to see myself. I cried in the usual suspect, Mari B and, then, by the time I got to second I went "Woah, I don't remember getting here." That's the beauty of ashtanga for me. It takes me out of the "situation" or "thing" and forces me to the inside.

I admit, I almost did chicken out of kapotasana. I just couldn't imagine opening my heart to the pose. I couldn't imagine even touching my feet. I started tearing up and realized, screw this, I'm bigger and strong and badder than stupid kapotasana. So I did kapotasana. I could write that it isn't about the fact that getting to my toes is never a problem anymore... Getting heels oh much bigger problem... but it isn't really about that either. It's about the strength.. that internal strength that Kapotasana is just so great for.

I'm pretty sore right now. Given that my practices have been short lately, doing my whole practice may not have been wise but in truth I think it was the best slap upside the head I've needed to have.

I realized today that I keep looking to have a simple question - Yes or No question answered. I'm not getting an answer... and I'm optimist enough, in nearly all things, to believe that silence is a consideration, a maybe, a logical conclusion... instead of that No means no. I mean, my kids totally know that.. maybe or silence basically mean the same thing (don't they in your household?) Yes, I'm a black and white person... it all moves in 1s and 0s. It is why I'm a good developer (or was).

Posted 11:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I set the alarm clock this morning for 6 am. For no reason. It's a moon day afterall and there is no practice... but I set it nonetheless. I need for my body to get back to the rhythm of waking up early. Of that being what is normal. I admit, it went off, I turned it off, I flipped back the sheet and realized "Holy Cow it is COLD out there." While I realize I am in San Diego this week, the mornings are chilly and TWBD doesn't believe in a heater... so I threw the covers back on and rolled around for another hour.

I spent my entire morning preparing for a big presentation, my first one, early next week. I flailed for the first couple of hours...unclear which way to go but I think I finally threw together something and have it out for review. We'll see... I still have to learn the dialog, rehearse it, memorize the pitch and be prepared to kick ass. I'm always much harder on myself than everyone else .... so we'll see. I reserve judgment until Monday evening and we'll see what type of panic I'm in then :)

Tonight I went to satsang at the studio. It was lovely to be in a space of love and trust... it doesn't really matter that I didn't know half the people there (what was the story with that)... it was the energy and the vibrance of Hanuman that is evident in the air alone that brought me to my knees. I recognize fully that my practice will carry me through all of the mumbo jumbo. I also recognize fully that escaping into the practice is the exact wrong thing to do... for that would be escaping the very real doors by which I must pass through in order to get my life back together. The practice, however, is a foundation... My teacher tonight talked about the daily committment and he talked about moon phases and astrology and politics... We chanted... and I teared up... but tears never ran... and I feel like I'm passing through the weakness and into a centered strength. I hate what is coming. I hate what has passed... but it is what it is and today is today... tomorrow is simply tomorrow.

Today's bit of poetry:

I have a feeling that my boat
has struck, down there in the depths,
against a great thing.
And nothing
happens! Nothing ... Silence ... Waves...

~ Juan Ramon Jimenez, translated by Robert Bly

Posted 1:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Today was veterans day so the kids and decided to spend a few hours in the afternoon together. I awoke early to get some work done, took a few calls, found out some stressful things I have to do... and then I searched for my bowling ball... the one my dad gave me when I was 18. It's pink and says JULES above the finger holes. I haven't bowled in 15 years but I knew I still had that bowling ball somewhere and I eventually found it... buried in the garage but still sound and waiting to see pins.

It was very fun. I actually bowled 166 in the first game. Not bad for the first time I've thrown a ball in 15 years or so. The kids were hysterical... barely able to hold the smallest of balls and definitely barely able to roll them down an alley. They tried every manner of stance, ball throwing (including the one with two arms and a spin which nearly took out the people 3 lanes over)... and ended up with some hodge podge of a run, throw, hope the bumpers made the ball go all the way down the lane.

After bowling I had a meeting... it was an interesting meeting that left me feeling much stronger and clearer than before. And then, it happened... I had a reason that I needed to talk to a person who has hurt me gravely. For the past month or so, each time I had to do this, the band-aid was ripped off and I hurt even more than the last time... but tonight... tonight I actually felt a calmness. I didn't feel hurt and I didn't feel desperate. I mean, sure, I felt blips of feelings but I was able to say "Let go" and they went... I believe this is mindfulness -- the kind I used to have before my life got so haywire.

Tonight I'm trying to let go and do other things while I formulate a strategy for a big presentation I have to do. Awhile back in my career someone told me I should be billing my hours if I'm in the shower thinking about work... I don't have to bill my hours anymore but I definitely thinks this counts... while I was bowling, while I'm typing this, I'm trying to figure out the approach to the problem and then I'll document it and then I'll present it... and hope I don't fall on my face.

Wish me luck.

Posted 12:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)